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Chael Sonnen Wants to Help You Be a Better Person

Chael SonnenNumber one UFC middleweight contender Chael Sonnen is on a crusade to reshape the world in his image, a goal he hopes to bring closer to reality with his impending self-help book, The Voice of Reason: A VIP Pass to Enlightenment.

With the help of Victory Belt publishing, Sonnen’s book is to hit the stands on May 15. Perhaps it’s best to let the former real estate agent explain things in his own terms:

Presence. Tenacity. Insight. Omniscience. No need to look these words up. They are defined by yours truly. Who am I? I’m the one who needs no introduction, the walking thesaurus, the UFC’s most infamous and feared destroyer of men. I am Chael P. Sonnen, and you want to be just like me.1

It’s your lucky day. What you are holding in your hands is nothing short of a V.I.P pass to enlightenment. In the coming pages my humor and tales of heroic adventure will baptize you in superhuman greatness. Allow me to carry you like a frail damsel as I make a nightmarish decent into the bowels of Sao Paulo. Sit before me as a student as I teach you about my plans of creating a Chaelocracy, which translates to “A Better Earth.” Shower me with praise as I take you into my manly mitts like a lump of seemingly worthless clay and craft you into something far better than yourself—me.

Like all great men of myth and legend, I strive for the betterment of the human race. Prometheus brought us fire; Dana White brought us the modern day gladiator; and I bring you a step-by-step guide to being just like me. Do you have what it takes? Is there truly a chance that one day you will be able to walk in my shoes? Purchase this book and find out. There is no better day to stop being you and start trying to be me.

You’re welcome civilization.

Oh, but there’s more, you say?

Not convinced? Here is some addition information you will glean from The Voice of Reason:

  • Why Dance Dance Revolution is the national fighting style of Brazil.
  • How vegans are ruining themselves and the world.
  • Why you should never feed carrots to a school bus.
  • Why you don?t need an athlete to be your hero.
  • How fighters and fashion models have the exact same job.
  • Why republicans are more compassionate, pioneering, rebellious, and generally cooler than any liberal.

1—Inside this book I offer you my knowledge of physics, politics, linguistics, history, and physiology. Unless you are currently standing in the checkout line or speeding home, wanting to save my brilliance for when you are curled up in a recliner sipping on some tea, you have already failed at becoming something similar to me. Chael P. Sonnen knows what he wants and buys it. He doesn’t need a dust jacket to tell him a book is good. He can feel it.

So, make sure you get out to book stores on May 15 or reserve your own copy of Sonnen’s book in advance. Rumor has it there’s a section on how to cut sweet real estate deals.

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